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[ hiatus ? ] Tiredness Drains the Soul...

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Matthew

Matthew
D-Tier
D-Tier

ugh... okay, so no. i'm not leaving. i'm just... i think i'm gonna take a sort of 'sick' leave from my duties as staff. i mean, i'll still take care of the ac - that i actually have the energy to do - but truth be told, i've been having some sleep problems for a long time now. and i'm not saying its the site's fault or anything, but because of those sleep problems, i just don't have the energy to grade abilities n stuff. i'm exhausted and i'm worn out. specifically, i'm exhausted and worn at nitpicking at everything. nitpicking takes a special kind of energy - one that usually i can force to work through sheer will, but rn my sleep problems are not helping shit.

that being said, things like writing creatively doesn't take that nitpicky sort of energy so don't think my activity is gonna flop (wait it's already a flop nvm). just don't expect me to grade your abilities unless i somehow muster the energy to somehow read it, have the energy to nitpick at it, and write a response to it. and i probably won't let jobs sit even now, but i may take a day or two to muster the energy to grade it.

once we have a new admin, i'll probably stop being a bum and kick into high gear. hopefully, by that time i'll have seen a sleep specialist n stuff.

but anyway yeah. i'll hang around still, don't worry. just expect me to go a lot slower as i try to do shit with what little energy i have left x_x.

~ ariel-chan


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Ariel

Ariel
A-Tier
A-Tier

update ---

i'm honestly starting to understand why trently left. okay, i've understood for a long time now, but it's something i've had a difficult time accepting. truth be told im extremely attached to this site. no, that's not true. i'm not attached to this site. i hate it tbh. no, the thing that is truly chaining me to this site is my characters. they are honestly the only reason im still here. im just so attached to them that i simply cant leave them. but its time i put my foot down. i've been in what can be described as a rather toxic relationship with this site for a while now and im done. i have many upon many complaints about the site and its community but meh, i don't really feel like having people contact me and start yelling at me about em n stuff. i'm honestly trying to get this post out as quick as i can while i still have the guts, otherwise i'll end up throwing this post out which is b a d b/c this site in really unhealthy for me >.> but anyway, besides my beef with the community, i will at least list out the other reasons.

1) it's taking way too much damn time away from school. like, do you know how much i prioritize this place over school? a lot, i'll tell ya that.

2) surprise, surprise, i'm stressed as hell. and can i mention that its because of this site that my anxiety is at an all-time high? like, when i was on break i was super chill and happy. but the moment i returned i was loaded w/ the stress lol.

3) this site honestly is not the happy place it used to be. its a fucking nightmare that i want to escape but i just can't.

4) meh, whats the point of staying anyway. it's gonna crumble soon. i can see it ripping at the seams. it would be better for me to leave now than later i think.

5) It's time for me to let go. This in itself is a different point from the others because I actually have a separate feeling for it. I can't pinpoint this feeling but it's still there. It's telling me that I need to stop being stubborn. Accept and move on. And while I really do not want to listen to it, it's right. It's time I accept and move on. No more pondering and deliberating about leaving. It's time I actually do it. Before I get even more hurt by this site.

I'm so sorry, Lero. I really am. You're what made my characters so memorable - you're the source of the reason I could never let go. Even now the idea of letting go of my characters - and by extent, you - makes my chest squeeze in pain. But I can't keep up like this. I'm just too stressed and too much in pain. I'm so damn sick - both physically and mentally - and while I know leaving will make it worse in the short term, I know in the long run I'll just be so much happier. Oh, hey Jaja, you were half right in the end. I am a scared little girl. But at least I finally found the courage to leap in the end.

Anyway, it's time to put an end to this nightmare. It's time for me to wake up (oh the irony of that statement considering i'm about to take a nap irl lol).



Unfortunately, the only way to convince myself to post this is to add one final note: Once I feel like I've regained control over my life and I don't feel like I'm in the dumps I might briefly return if only to give Ariel, Rain, and Matthew the end they deserve. However, I think from here on out I'm going to try to avoid the more hardcore sites. Far too much toxicity lol.



Oh, one last thing:


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Ariel

Ariel
A-Tier
A-Tier

I just took a long lovely nap - and waking up I realize how ridiculous I’m being. Oh, I meant all I said and I’m still leaving, but as much as I feel like this site is ripping at the seams, I suppose it deserves at least a chance. So yes, I’m postponing my leave. Not only do I have a few extremely important things left to do as staff, even now stuff needs to be graded n’ shit.

So yes, I will stay to grade shit and accomplish those few final things I’ve been working on. I’m going to give myself a set deadline, however, and I absolutely refuse to join the Discord again. If you have complaints n stuff you can PM my account. But Discord is honestly the number 1# reason I’m leaving in the first place.

Anyway, my deadline will be February 15. That’s about two weeks from today. Hopefully, by then I’ll have accomplished everything I’ve wanted to do.


Disclaimer: I’m not really sure how I’m coming off as, but I suspect angry, upset, etc., might be some of the adjectives used. But truth be told whatever you hear is probably toned down to a one. I just don’t have the energy to be angry or happy or upset or sad or anything. Right now all I feel is calm and... free? It’s quite refreshing to be honest.

EDIT: Talking to Lero was a bad idea. Guess what she convinced me? Yup. To stay. I still have no plans to join the Discord again because that place is a goddamn hellhole, but she’s right. The site itself wasn’t what is stressing me out so much as the Discord is. So you’ll still need to contact me via PMs on the site. Sorry >.>

Oh for goodness sake... this is something I am EXTREMELY hesitant about, but emails are usually more tame than chat rooms so I will very reluctantly give it out for those who don’t know it already.

My email is snowflake.snowballdogit@gmail.com but just know I will not hesitate to block anyone I feel is acting too hostile or toxic toward me. I don’t wish to, but I can’t deal with that sort of shit right now. At the same time PMs can often be a bothersome manner of communication. So yeah, just want to let y’all guys know my email is a very viable way of contacting me. Just don’t do it to yell at me or anything LOL.

Oh, and if I don’t reply soon, two things - a) if you haven’t mentioned your name on the site that’s probably a good idea, b) emails tend to get buried so it would probably be a wise idea to bump your email if I don’t reply within a week.

Or you could just PM me on the site lol. Whatever is easier.


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Ariel

Ariel
A-Tier
A-Tier

I’ve been having the same symptoms as the first day of voting. Which, by the way, basically includes excessive shaking, feeling like I can hardly breath, being extremely cold, light-headedness, and a crap ton of other symptoms all pointing to my anxiety being a fucking asshole. So yeah, given my general mental and emotional shit (complete and utter garbage) I’m going to see off I can pry myself from Magi lest I do something or say something really stupid. But given everything, I’m probably going to fail, so for that reason anything I happen  to say - if it sounds outrageous n stuff, you’re welcome to ignore it. Actually, you should ignore it, especially if it sounds offensive because yelling at me in my current mental state will A) make me do more irrational shit, B) make me undergo an even worse anxiety attack, C) I’ll probably take it down the next day when I don’t feel like utter crap so it’s kind of pointless.


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