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Ramses Nikedaius Massri II

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1Ramses Nikedaius Massri II Empty Ramses Nikedaius Massri II on 20/09/14, 12:28 am

Razr4543

Razr4543
D-Tier
D-Tier
Ramses Nikedaius Massri II Coolguy6og
Name: Ramses Nikedaius (Nik●Uh●Day●Es) "Nike" Massri II
Tier: Novice (D Tier)
Gender: Male
Sexuality: Bisexual
Age + Birthdate: 19
Nationality: Heliohaptian

Specialization: Body Manipulation

Personality: Nike prides himself on as being the "Greatest Man to Ever Live" full of pride in himself and his abilities. Being the sole prince of Heliphapt he has adopted a very conceited nature about himself, even still he is full of love and compassion for his country. Much like his father he shows little to no sympathy to those whom harm his people. This too applies to the people of Heliohapt, his utter disgust for prejudice has no loyalties and is immediately visible in sight of it. Incredibly Charming and intelligent with An  knack for brutality which becomes especially obvious when he battles. Often rampaging around like some monster, rarely wasting time in killing someone once the order is given. Boasting the Tactical cunning of the Imuchakk coated by the sovereign passion of the Massri family he has the makings of a great general. Outside of battle, during domestic and economic affairs Nike is often a carefree adolescent, his seat during meetings usually vacant while he was off training in the sands or learning about his culture. He desires to walk his own path scribing his own steps along the slab of history. Inattentive to the orders of others even the great Pharaoh at times if it conflicts with his interest.

Likes: The art of War, any and all things regarding battle strategy, combat, weaponry and armor innovations. Being Massri's precious heir to power he was raised as a warrior, spending the last decade of his life training in the way of the sword and hand to hand combat. Naturally he grew to love the act of fighting and all of it's beauties.

Dancing- Strangely Nike has always been brought great joy through dance. He is quite good, a natural he has smitten many women on his ventures to study abroad.

Beauty of Strength- Once again Nike sees those with the power or strength to shape their own path as true beauty.

Dislikes: Authority- Nike loathes to be told what to do, he instead listens to what his own heart or will has lead him to do. With the exception of his father he will follow the orders of no man not worthy of his respect.

Slavery- Ironically despite being a Prince, due to his deep hate of authority he is unable to accept anyone or thing that strips others of their free will. Slaves being the epitome of a soul without control of their own fate he cannot forgive those who own them. Though on the other hand of the perspective those who simply submit to having their lives puppeteered are a even greater nausea he cannot stomach. So his actual intervention usually weighs heavily on how attentive he is towards the person(s).

Phobias: Nike only has two major things he truly fears, the first being Spiders. He is an extreme arachnaphobe, the mere sight of insignia designed like a spider will send the young prince into a terrified uproar. He often retaliates with violence and if he were to happen to touch one or even walk into a spider web he immediately unclothes himself down to his undergarments.

The second fear is to fail, not at any outlandish goal or something as trivial as a mission or battle but to not have the strength or power to do as he pleases. To fall short of his own ambitions and in turn become unable to shape his destiny which in his eyes is the sum of his existence.

Aspirations: Nike wishes to become the greatest man to ever live, To usher in an empire that will be known from every corner of the world. To have the house of Massri a name forever engraved on the slabs of history.His father was seen as a God by his people but Nike himself has yet to make the smallest of praise to his name other then being the new crowned Pharaoh. He must first earn his countries love and trust by proving his worth as a King before he hopes to accomplish anything.

Face-Claim: The Coolguy- Pic used in spoiler found on photobucket.
Weight: 200 lbs
Hair Color: Snow white with sapphire highlights scarcely running through his bangs.
Eye Color: A majestic and dazzling multi-colored blue much similar to the imuchakk ocean like colored hair.
Height: 6 feet 4 inches
Rukh Alignment:White
Special Traits: Nike like most Heliohaptians has the unique talent to Charm Snakes. His family being a special case whom can easily charm the most venomous and gargantuan of snakes, which usually requires a musical instrument. All through a special hissing like language known as "Slithe" which enables them to actually communicate with the reptiles. It is a hereditary trait that comes natural however consequently leaves the person with a extreme lisp with the "S" sound often dragging it out into a hiss. However the benefit being the ability to completely control the serpent and many at that, handling even 10 at time with ease.


Appearance: Nike is a handsome young man, acquiring his mothers fabled unmatched beauty along with his father's highly durable body. Not even a fully grown man yet and he is already over 6 feet tall, the bulk of his height coming from his long and powerful legs.His hair is styled in a very hipster-esq fashion with his sides being braided back while the rest of his hair remains wild, the top fashioned in a fauxhawk-like manner while the back falls down reaching just passed his shoulder blades.His skin dark in color but of a more golden brown compared to the casual hue of the overly tanned Heliohapt people. He wears a a small white vest allowing for the rest of his torso which he keeps naked to be showcased. His tight and defined muscles glisten with cuts engraved from years of intense training. His bottoms are of a thinner layer then the usual baggy arabian pants, his actually becoming more and more fitted flowing towards the ankle (Much like Harem style Joggers). He has three golden jeweled ear piercings along his right ear and one on the left. A golden crown and pointed goatie ornament, Snake bite piercings along the corners of his mouth and several tattoos, the most notable being the one on his back being the winged sun disc covering the wing span of his back towards just above the nape. His dazzling blue eyes which he usually keeps shut, a reoccurring trait of those of the Massri family, is outlined with makeup to resemble that of the eye of Ra.He wears a long red scarf left worn by his father, usually using it as a head wrap or cover when traveling through the harsh desserts along with a gauntlet on his left fore arm which resembles a rainbow scaled dragon made from a various durable crystals. Lastly he is equipped with his trusted broad sword which he has sheathed horizontally along his lower back. The blade itself is equal to his arm span (6 feet long 1 foot broad) with a third edge sticking from the center of one side of it's flat body. It's blade is pitch black while it's hilt is gold with a complimenting golden sheath with black embroidery and bejeweled with jade and lazuli and topaz.He has a rather big pet Albino King cobra with a Ruby embedded in it's forehead, its usually seen coiled around the hilt and sheath when not drawn.


History: Nike's mother was Imuchakk slave whom was soon sold into a popular Heliohaptian whore house. She was an exotic cerulean beauty who even the God Pharaoh Rameses Massri fell defeated to her winsomeness. Upon hearing news of his only son's birth he quickly retrieved his sole Heir however his mother died giving life so Nike has never seen his mother. He spent the next 9 years of his life being taught by the high priest of the history and culture of the nation his father created.Heavily under the watchful eye of a high priest he never really got to go outside of the palace in near complete isolation from the outside world. The only times he truly got time alone was during a political meeting of some sort which required the attendance of every council member, to which he would escape to explore elsewhere. upon turning ten he began his political studies and was sent abroad to study as an ambassador of Heliohapt for a decade. This along with train as a warrior and become a tactical genius in the art of War to ready him as a general. When the news of his Death met his ears it was said his woes could be heard through the entirety of the lands he currently resided. Yes his relationship with his father wasn't the best being justly the make up of his scolds or Slithe studies. He was still his only family and a man to be looked up to, he mourned for seven days and seven nights before sending note of his return. It took nearly half a year for the Prince to return home from the adrift lands he'd ventured to but now he's finally returned to take his place on the throne and be crowned the new Pharaoh.

Role-Play Sample:

"Arrrggghhhhh!!"

The distressed pain wrenching howl of a boy who has just had his first encounter with the pain of metal parting flesh from ones body filled the air of the colliseum. A follow up kick to the stomach knocks his breath clean from his lungs like a vacuum along with cracking a few of his ribs whilst sending him flying back a few meters space. His eyes filled with a feeling so foreign his body could only tremble in response, his brain dancing with thoughts. All in urgent ponder to something swelling from the depths of his chest, spreading until his entire body sat frozen in it's wake. He weakly raise from the blood stained dirt of the ancient battle grounds convulsing, disparately gasping for air. After a few sweat drenching failed attempts he would feel his lungs inflate with oxygen returning some solace to his looming situation. His heart beating out of his chest at a rate that sounded more like a drumroll suddenly came to a quick halt as the calloused dirt smeared feet of his attacker stopped before him

What the hell is this? I. . .I can't move!!? Why wont my body listen to me!!

"Heh, little S#*+ too scared to even move eh? Ahahahahaha!"

The predator would mock his prey all the while raising his sword far above head, readying to cleave him down a Helipohaptian Prince.

What? Scared. . .? Does that mean this is. . . Fear?! No, I don't like it!!

His eyes would frantically dart to the glistening metal blocking the suns rays from his brow from above. His lips quivering his body would finally move, clumsy hopping back taking a awkward three crawl/hops back. Stumbling as he looked at his hunter leisurely follow, the blood thirsty grin plastered on his face fueling the high level of suspense consuming him. His muscles flexing before he arced his arm downward initiating the finishing blow. It was at this moment something awoke from stasis within the brown skinned boy trembling on the ground below. Something, sinister. . .something born of Cowardice and the utmost will to survive.


"I DON"T LIKE THIS AT ALL!!!!!!"

HE would wail a intense shockwave of shining light erupting from his being and repelling the threatening blow of the gladiator. Debris filled the air masking both from view before quickly being blown away by an sudden draft of wind. The scene goes to that of behind the hunter, whose arms now lay limp at his sides, his back muscles extremely relaxed. His blade some parting from his weakening grip as his knees buckle before giving out and he falls to his knees.A funnel of wind seeming to originate from the now standing boy before him began to subside. His white and lightly colored blue bangs obscuring his facial features from view as they so slightly shifted along the cool after breeze. It was obvious something was different now though, the tension and murderous intent no longer so pungent in the air. The boy held something long and rope like in his blood stained hands, the once hunter now falling over to the ground would reveal the gruesome details of the situation. For now the predator lay dead on the ground a softball sized hole gaping in his abdominal region,defeated by the prey.



Last edited by Razr4543 on 25/09/14, 01:12 am; edited 1 time in total

2Ramses Nikedaius Massri II Empty Re: Ramses Nikedaius Massri II on 20/09/14, 02:15 am

Duquin

Duquin
A-Tier
A-Tier
Welcome to the forum, I'll be the first to grade your app!

Now, I'd like to start off by saying this is a fantastically written character and that you meet all of our required word counts. However, there are unfortunately some issues that prevent me from giving it an approval. Some of this issues stem from the Character Rules and some of them are in regards to information about the Countries about Heliohapt and Imuchakk. Some of the issues seem to stem from a confusion in mixing up canon magi and this alternate universe magi forum. Some of it is fault of your own for not reading up on material on the site, and some of it is fault of the site for not having information more readily available.

Either way, I'll do my best to lay out what the problems are and why they are important. I hope you will be willing to co-operate and make adjustments accordingly. I apologize ahead of time as some of these changes may end up having a huge impact on your character. It's unfortunate since you clearly spent a lot of time thinking about this character. But with disclaimers and forewords out of the way, let the grading commence.

Sexuality
-What you wrote here is more so what we want to see in your personality section. Please boil this down to a single word. It seems like you're leaning towards "Bisexual" but if you feel that he simply doesn't have sexual attraction and merely appreciates beauty then "Asexual" might be more appropriate.

Age
-You mention that you're going to start out with a time skip. Just post what his age will be after the time skip and mention in your starting posts that they are "flashbacks" rather than try to skip his time ahead by x number of years. The reason for this is while we do use liquid time here, it would be very silly if you suddenly grew 4 years older or something while everyone else doesn't age a day.

Nationality
-Your bloodline is irrelevant. This category merely asks what country you are a citizen of. In this case you should only put "Heliohapt" and nothing else.

Race
-One again, you've got information here that isn't needed and belongs in your history. Just put "Imuchakk-Halfling" and leave it at that please.

Specialization
-Just like before, you've got way too much information here. Please remove it all and just put "Strength"

Personality
-You'll need to remove everything about his affinity towards rukh, the concept of "Empathic Conduit", the moniker "Demon King" for Ramses Massri, and being the 4th prince of Heliohapt.

-I'll elaborate on the rukh stuff later but for now it just isn't really telling us anything about your personality so it's out of place here. But I will say that on this forum, everyone chooses their own path along the great flow or destiny. Destiny itself is the act of walking forward on your own path despite what tragedies you have suffered along the way and not looking back with regret or resentment.

-This "empathic conduit" thing is not recognized as a legitimate thing one can be on the forum.

-Ramses Massri is not listed as "demon king" anywhere on the forum.

-Heliohapt has no princes, so it doesn't make sense that you would be the 4th prince.

Likes
-You mention the Yambala Gladiators, but there are none in this alternate universe. There are gladiators, yes, but the Yambala tribe does not exist.

Phobias
-You kind of twist this phobia to sound like it results in an increase in strength at the cost of rational. A phobia shouldn't send you into a frenzy and this almost makes it seem more like this should be one of your dislikes based on the reaction it incites.

-Please add something that your character fears on a more traditional level. The fear itself doesn't have to be rational, but the reactions it incites should be one that makes him more likely to back down from a challenge rather than to tackle it in a blind destructive outburst.

Ambitions
-Since empathic conduits aren't recognized that needs to be removed from mention.

-Your character as a bit too much insight onto the nature of the rukh. In this world, most people know nothing of the rukh's existence unless they are magician's and since you aren't starting out with intelligence your character cannot see the rukh. It just doesn't make sense that he would be so intuitively knowledgeable about it.

Rukh Alignment
-As mentioned before, you can't be an empathic conduit. You also can't be neutral when it comes to the rukh and draw on both white and black as the situation dictates.

-You must choose black or white. The determining factor of which you end up as is whether or not your character resents and curses his own fate. If so, you would be black rukh. If he does not have such feelings about his own destiny then he is white rukh.

Special Traits
-Imuchakk aren't born with the ability to manipulat magoi on this forum. Not is that really suggested in canon either. There is the "first spear" technique shown in Sinbad no Bouken spin off manga, but it is never stated that Imuchakk know how to perform this ability naturally.

-I wont stop you from burning your own magoi in response to emotional outbursts if you want. This section is supposed to be for aesthetic quirks more than anything else but if you really desire to take on a handicap then by all means, go for it. But you're going to have to quantify how much magoi is lost per turn otherwise this won't be reflected IC.

-Being extremely gullible is something that goes in your personality.

History
Here is where the biggest and most damaging changes are going to have to take place. I am very disappointed that I have to tear a character apart when it's so well done. It breaks my heart to do so, but this is my job I suppose so without further ado:

-You need to request permission before you can be related to characters be they players or NPCs. This is stated in the character rules.

Character Rules wrote:In order to be related to another person's character, you must ask them prior to doing so. The same applies to having relations with NPCs, but for that you may ask myself or Noah. What you can do without permission however is say that you have met an NPC in the past, but only from a far-off distance.

Now I realize that the post says to ask two people who are no longer on the forum or staff members. I will make sure that gets updated and apologize if you did try to contact them and simply got no reply. If you still want to be descended from the Pharaoh after all the changes, pm myself or Ariella Negri and we can work out the details.

-The Pharaoh's name is actually Ramses(first name) Massri(surname) and sadly he has no sister to speak of meaning you'd need to be his son and not his nephew. This princess Cleopatra does not exist. Nor does he have other sons as I mentioned earlier.

-I've been over the empathic conduit stuff, but just noting it again so you remember to remove it from your history too.

-The Imuchakk are generally isolationists, so a member of the Sabertooth warriors would not be in Heliohapt and there would be no domestic treaties signed between Asisiak the Imuchakk leader and the Pharaoh. In the current forum plot event, the Imuchakk are actually reaching out for an alliance for the first time in history and the ones they are reaching out to is Reim.

-You mention being sent to Reim for training, but on this forum Reim and Heliohapt have been bitter enemies for centuries and have been fighting back and forth over land on and off every few decades. A conflict breaks out for a while with Reim trying to invade and Heliohapt being on the defensive. If you decide to keep your relation to the pharaoh, it would only make sense to be sent there if you add the context of being some sort of political prisoner/hostage.

-You mention towards the end that you must return to the royal palace from reim. But first you must cross the desert of forgotten souls. The problem with this is that the desert would actually be on the opposite side of heliohapt meaning that you wouldn't need to cross the desert of forgotten souls to get there from reim. You would cross desert regions, just not that specific vast expanse which seems to go on forever.

Roleplay Sample
-There really aren't any issues here. I just wanted to note for you that anything you type in the roleplay sample is not recognized as things that actually happen IC. It's just a sample of your rping abilities to show you can meet the 100 word count required of rp posts and not something reflected as part of your characters actual canon.

----------Final Notes----------

I always feel really bad when I have to destroy key plot points in a character and I had to break apart several here. I would not blame you for rage quitting after this because so much has to change. But a sincerely hope that you will be understanding of why these changes must take place and work together with myself or another staff member to get things in order.

I'll be pming you my skype information so you can have a direct line of contact with me to discuss any ideas or changes so I can answer your questions promptly. We can also discuss permission for being related to the pharaoh which has still yet to be granted. The process for that just includes confirming some plot roles that would be expected of you.

Anyways, please review the changes and feel free to ask for help. I hope to see this character revised and on it's feet RPing soon!


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Thank you all, for everything.

3Ramses Nikedaius Massri II Empty Re: Ramses Nikedaius Massri II on 25/09/14, 03:52 pm

Duquin

Duquin
A-Tier
A-Tier
The only thing I have to say about this app now is that your snake charming will be ineffective against enemies. So if an opponent has a snake beast or if a job requires that you fight a snake NPC, you can't use this ability to control or influence them in any way.

That being said...

Ramses Nikedaius Massri II 21oyps5


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Thank you all, for everything.

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